The mask extends pre 2020.
- ashleyacs90
- Feb 8, 2022
- 2 min read
Updated: Feb 9, 2022
"Writing myths manifest as muffled feelings we can’t quite overcome. We ignore them, hide from them, and try to bully them into leaving us alone (pg. 44)."
Act like you know what you're doing. Your work isn't good enough. You don't belong here. Don't let them find out. You're not a good writer. They know way more than you. Keep up the appearance.
Imposter syndrome has had me masked up prior to 2020. Wearing the mask of "Everything is fine," when in reality I didn't want to get caught not being the "perfect" version of myself.
I first heard the term "Imposter syndrome" at NASPA in 2017. I attended one of the conference pre-sessions, which centered around imposter syndrome. There were staff, faculty, and graduate students sharing their stories. We discussed not being able to relate to middle class or fit in with colleagues. Some people had changed tax brackets and started in higher education many years ago, and still felt the disconnect. I felt seen and heard. My feelings made sense and they had a name. There were others, on various levels, who were experiencing the same thing.
If so many of us are experiencing the same feelings of being an imposter, why do we keep hiding?
In recent years, I have learned to be more transparent. It is a process. It is quite freeing. It is uncomfortable at times. It is a definite shift from pretending to have it all together to openly acknowledging that I do not. Not only has transparency helped me, it has helped others be honest and take a sigh of relief. It has helped us remind each other that we do belong and we can create a space for ourselves.
"Myths show up as seemingly unacceptable justifications for not getting our writing done (pg. 44)."
Taking away imposter syndrome as an insecure crutch and roadblock leads to progress. I'm not the most prolific writer; most people aren't. I'm just writing. I am learning and getting increasingly better at my craft. I am getting out my thoughts, which have value and meaning. They may not be world changing right now, but the ability to effectively express myself changes my world.
Jensen, J. (2017). Write no matter what: Advice for academics. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
Ashley, thank you for writing about imposter syndrome. That concept makes us all feel vulnerable, so I appreciate you tackling the topic. "Masking" is a term widely known in the neurodivergent circles, but it takes on a different meaning when I'm not only hiding what I'm feeling, but feeling as if my lived experiences and accomplishments don't even qualify me to be in the spaces I'm in.
I'm glad you were able to find a community of academics who felt able to share their vulnerabilities with each other at the NASPA 2017 event. Imposter syndrome was a larger topic for my POC colleagues in my masters program. In your journey of transparency, I'm curious if you've found other such communitie…
Ashely, I really appreciate your final sentiment that while your thoughts may not necessarily change the world (yet!), they still have value and meaning. Learning to think through our ideas through the often painful practice of writing creates immense value for ourselves, if for no one else. While it is really important to frame our work in this way, one challenge I continually face is avoiding too much self-reflexivity in my writing. There seems to be a very fine balance between the liberating feeling of focusing on our own personal growth and understanding and also contributing to our field of research. Imposter syndrome is very real. As you asked, it's quite ironic that so many suffer from this and yet…
Ashley,
As someone who is new to the doctoral program, I connect with and appreciate your post. One aspect of your post that caused me to think more deeply about my own experiences was the question you posed, asking why we hide our feelings of being an imposter if so many of us are feeling the same way. When I begin to feel out of my element, especially this semester, I try to equate current situations to my growth as a teacher because teaching is an area where I feel more confident and comfortable. Several years ago, as a new teacher I felt like I had to have all of the answers to my students' questions. Over time, I got…
Ashley, this was a very thoughtful post, and I think we've all been there. One major time I felt "imposter syndrome" was when I was invited to speak in a panel at the International Medieval Congress in 2019. Being a recently graduated Master's student in History and speaking with people who had completed their doctorates or other professional degrees was intimidating. However, whenever I get this feeling, I remind myself of this little illustration I was taught in high school. My high school world history teacher drew a huge circle and said "This is all the knowledge of history available," then he drew a very tiny circle inside the huge circle and said "this is the amount of knowledge that…
Ashley, I've enjoyed reading your posts. You express your thoughts with an honesty and openness that is admirable. I understand imposter syndrome. I've felt it so many times throughout my life but, like you, I only recently heard it called by its real name. Actually, I only heard it this past summer when I was considering applying to this Ed. D. program and talked myself out of it over and over. I was crying (literally) to a friend about how it isn't the place for someone like me and he said, "Guess what?! That's what everyone in a doc program thinks! But, imposter syndrome is a liar." I stopped crying long enough to catch my breath and think 'imposter WHAT!?!'…